just thoughts

it's late. i'm just up thinking. it's easy for me to get pretty depressed when i'm home for too long. i don't have much to do. so i end up staying up late and sleeping in late... that adds up to feeling like a lot of wasted days. i don't have too many friends in the area and the few who are here work so their time is limited. that's why i'm pretty excited about a lot of family coming in this weekend. especially my brother and sister-in-law from massachusetts. and even my cousin and family from morgantown. our families have been kinda rocky for years, but somehow i think this year will be different. my cousing emily and i have been spending way more time talking and even visisting than like, ever. so it's exciting for sure.

however, at the same time, i should be packing for new zealand... but i can't seem to get myself to think about it. i think it's cause everytime i try i get really overwhelmed. like, i only have one more monday at home. and it's Christmas! that's crazy to me. haha, and i won't be back til the monday before easter! i can't seem to decide on what i'm taking, how many shorts i should bring, will i need my hoodies? what about this? what about that? i think what it comes down to is i just have too much stuff.

plus, before i go i tend to think about what i am leaving behind. usually, this isn't too difficult, cause the people that mean the most to me is my family and i know they'll always be there while i'm away and when i get back. but recently, the past couple times i've left home... i've left a train of broken friendships behind. the kind of broken with no real signs of healing. some broke by accident... some just fizzled into brokeness. now, there is always going to be a hope in me! a hope for reconciliation and healing, that's the desire of my heart. but there's no real indication from my friends that they care. that's ok. it just hurts. and i want to hate them... isn't that funny? i want to hate them for not loving me! ha! prolly i'm just sad. prolly. most of them don't even know i'm going... and that's cause they don't want to know. and that just hurts, a lot. more than i think they know. but, then, i don't think they want to know.

so i should just go to bed and try to sleep. big day tomorrow. lots of errands to run. gotta get up early. (like before 11) haha!

love.