rooftop experience
hey!
i was sitting up on the roof tonight. i was praying. and crying. see, i sometimes (ok, most of the time) feel like there is such a deep capacity to love in me that it actually scares me. why? mostly because i secretly believe that others can't actually love me as much as i love them. i love them SO much. deeply. passionately. but they can't know that. they somehow just can't perceive the depth of my love. and if they could, it would probably frighten them anyways... scare them away. why? because it is a powerful thing, love.
wait, there's more.
also, sometimes when a task seems overwhelming or too daunting to me, such as learning Hebrew, for example, i tend to decide before hand that it is too hard, i won't be able to do it, and so i don't. i don't try as hard as i can, because i've already decided, i won't, so i don't.
then, i thought about how much God loves me. and i couldn't fathom it. i can't perceive it. it is too wonderful to me. too deep. frightening even. one of my favorite songs puts it nicely, "You see the depths of my soul, and You love me the same. You are amazing God." i thought about how God prolly feels sometimes like no matter how much He loves His kids, they will never be able to fully love Him back. and i thought about how i can never love Him as much as He loves me. and this loving Him seems daunting to me. then i thought about how prolly, at some point, i decided in my heart that i really can't love God fully. which is true. but somewhere, secretly, i fear that my heart decided that since i can't do it anyways, i'll give up trying. but not really. i mean, not fully. i'll still go through a lot of motions like i am trying, but my heart won't really be in it. because my heart has already given up.
it's sad, i know. but it's true.
hence the aforementioned crying.
so i cried. and i sang. and i told Him i don't want to be afraid anymore. and i asked Him what He would say, if He was here.
and He said,
"I will bless the LORD at all times; his praise shall continually be on my lips. My soul makes its boast in the LORD; let the humble hear and be glad. Oh magnify the LORD with me, and let us exult His name together!
I sought the LORD and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. This poor man cried and the LORD heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them.
Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! Oh, fear the LORD you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing. Young lions suffer hunger, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
Come, O children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD. What man is there who desires life and loves many days that he may see good?
Keep your tongue from evil and you mouth from deceit. Turn from evil and do good. Seek peace and pursue it.
The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous and his ear hears their cry. When the righteous cries for help, the LORD hears and delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all. He keeps his bones, not one of them is broken.
Affliction will slay the wicked, and those who hate the righteous will be condemned.
The LORD redeems the life of his servants; none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned.
(now this is my favorite part)
Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth you righteousness like the light, and your justice as the noonday.
Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him... Fret not yourself, it tends only to evil... Wait for the LORD and keep his way, and he will exult you to inherit the land.
The salvation of the righteous is from the LORD; he is their stronghold in the time of trouble. The LORD helps them and delivers them from wickedness and saves them, because they take refuge in him."
(psalm 34 and some of 37)
then i looked up at the stars and sang something like praise from my heart.
it's just where i am.
i was sitting up on the roof tonight. i was praying. and crying. see, i sometimes (ok, most of the time) feel like there is such a deep capacity to love in me that it actually scares me. why? mostly because i secretly believe that others can't actually love me as much as i love them. i love them SO much. deeply. passionately. but they can't know that. they somehow just can't perceive the depth of my love. and if they could, it would probably frighten them anyways... scare them away. why? because it is a powerful thing, love.
wait, there's more.
also, sometimes when a task seems overwhelming or too daunting to me, such as learning Hebrew, for example, i tend to decide before hand that it is too hard, i won't be able to do it, and so i don't. i don't try as hard as i can, because i've already decided, i won't, so i don't.
then, i thought about how much God loves me. and i couldn't fathom it. i can't perceive it. it is too wonderful to me. too deep. frightening even. one of my favorite songs puts it nicely, "You see the depths of my soul, and You love me the same. You are amazing God." i thought about how God prolly feels sometimes like no matter how much He loves His kids, they will never be able to fully love Him back. and i thought about how i can never love Him as much as He loves me. and this loving Him seems daunting to me. then i thought about how prolly, at some point, i decided in my heart that i really can't love God fully. which is true. but somewhere, secretly, i fear that my heart decided that since i can't do it anyways, i'll give up trying. but not really. i mean, not fully. i'll still go through a lot of motions like i am trying, but my heart won't really be in it. because my heart has already given up.
it's sad, i know. but it's true.
hence the aforementioned crying.
so i cried. and i sang. and i told Him i don't want to be afraid anymore. and i asked Him what He would say, if He was here.
and He said,
"I will bless the LORD at all times; his praise shall continually be on my lips. My soul makes its boast in the LORD; let the humble hear and be glad. Oh magnify the LORD with me, and let us exult His name together!
I sought the LORD and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. This poor man cried and the LORD heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them.
Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! Oh, fear the LORD you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing. Young lions suffer hunger, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
Come, O children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD. What man is there who desires life and loves many days that he may see good?
Keep your tongue from evil and you mouth from deceit. Turn from evil and do good. Seek peace and pursue it.
The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous and his ear hears their cry. When the righteous cries for help, the LORD hears and delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all. He keeps his bones, not one of them is broken.
Affliction will slay the wicked, and those who hate the righteous will be condemned.
The LORD redeems the life of his servants; none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned.
(now this is my favorite part)
Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth you righteousness like the light, and your justice as the noonday.
Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him... Fret not yourself, it tends only to evil... Wait for the LORD and keep his way, and he will exult you to inherit the land.
The salvation of the righteous is from the LORD; he is their stronghold in the time of trouble. The LORD helps them and delivers them from wickedness and saves them, because they take refuge in him."
(psalm 34 and some of 37)
then i looked up at the stars and sang something like praise from my heart.
it's just where i am.
this is my spot on the roof.
posted by Rachel Foose at 6:30 PM
3 Comments:
WOW!! I love you.
10:29 PM
Thanks for sharing your journey with all of us...His words are incredibly comforting.
8:20 PM
This is why I thank you for loving me and knowing I would be your friend when you first met me. I've yet to find a heart more amazing that yours. You are human and beautiful. I miss you so much.
10:38 PM
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