still not sleeping

i don't know what it is, but at night i don't sleep anymore... at least not right away. there is so much to think about. mostly, i think about what it would be like to move back here... to live here, in brightwater NZ for an extended period of time. what? a year? 2 years? forever? "no, surely not... i'm too much of an adventurer," i think to myself. but i have other questions... like where will i live? is there a husband out there? where is he? is he here? "i'd sure like to meet him," i sometimes think to myself. then i think, "i'd sure like to be where he is at the same time as him." and if he's not here then he must be somewhere else. then i think: where? indiana? minnesota? west virginia? georgia? north carolina? colorado? canada? pick a country? then i think, "foose, stop thinking about it so much!"
but things will be different if i come back... i shouldn't expect them to be the same. for one, my very closest friend won't be here (most prolly). plus, i'll be different. i'll be in a different life place. now is a good time, for me, for my spirit. but i'll have hard times again. i'll doubt and be confused and struggle... i mean, i still struggle now, but i mean like hard. and then, i think how the people here who are inviting me back (denise, paul, jeff, carey, shona- still nothing official, just whispers...), who keep telling me how wonderful i am and how special i am and how much they want me to stay or come back... i think how they don't know that girl. so what will they think when then meet her? the one who is ugly? cause she's still here. she exists in this flesh along with the Spirit. right now all they see is Jesus. but one day He will be hidden by myself. will they still want me then? will they be able to love me then?
i ask cause there seems to be a bit of a epidemic at the church right now. a lot of marriages are on the rocks. lots of adultery and brokenness and forgiveness and pain. i think satan likes to attack people who are considered "important" or "significant" in churches, like pastors and youth leaders. cause then the affect of the impact is stronger, it seems. and it is easy for me to point my finger and dismiss him, the husband who sinned against his wife. instead of seeing in his weakness that he is just as susceptible to temptation and sin as i am. i think we dismiss people. as if to say, God must be finished with that man or that ministry... but i don't want to believe that God is ever finished with us, with me! i want to believe that He is always doing something new... or making something new out of me. i want to believe that God isn't finished with us when we fall... i want to believe that He is just beginning something new. and i want to believe that it is beautiful. and i want to believe that others can see what He sees in me: a hope, and a future. cause one day Jesus met this woman who was completely naked and exposed in her sin, but i don't think her life ended that day. i think we fear that day when we are seen completely for the person that we try so desperately to keep hidden. but when Jesus looked at this woman He saw right through her current condition and into her heart. and then He set her free.

Lullaby

have you lost your way? do you think you’ll get it back again? did you find something in the rubble of your memory? it’s a mystery, that through a death i found my life again. and in suffering i found a key that we had thrown away.

and so i started it off and i filled up my cup and now i’m lost in Your love and it's more than a memory. and i start it again and what i thought was the end is another beginning from here to eternity.

so here we are. flesh and bone and spirit lifted up. and that’s everything, everything we’ve ever needed. and its all you’ve got, all we’ve got.

and so i started it off and i filled up my cup and now i’m lost in Your love and its more than a memory. and i start it again and what i thought was the end is another beginning from here to eternity.

and I’ll sing halleluiah, halleluiah, halleluiah, halleluiah, halleluiah, halleluiah, halleluiah.
PCT

cause i want to believe that i can suffer and sin and be made new and no one can hold me back from being a new creation. but i think i do that. i think we hold eachother in our sin. but Jesus doesn't... He sets us free!